Guilt Trips

It occurred to me recently that motherhood is a daily fight with guilt. Every day, I wake up ready to do battle with the “right” way to parent, and some days I feel completely run down from it. While I know that most of these battles are between me and myself, they still rage in my head. I have written my top 5 guilt trips. 

Warning: This post is long and wordy.

Guilt #1- Breastfeeding: I was in a restaurant recently and as I pulled out Owen’s formula to make him a bottle, I felt as though every eye in the room was on me. “Are they judging me for not breastfeeding my child?” Sometimes I wish I didn’t know the benefits of breastfeeding. If I didn’t then maybe I would not feel this overwhelming guilt for being a “quitter”. I cried more than Owen did in those first 6 weeks of his life. It HURT, it was inconvenient, and it was time consuming. At the time the cons outweighed the pros. Now looking back I could kick myself. Why didn’t I just stick it out? If I had, would Owen be having these health issues? I could go on and on about the guilt that I have in my heart but it is too late. I wonder if I will be able to last longer with my next child. Then I think, well if I do last longer, how unfair that will be for Owen, I quit on him.  I saw a quote online that said, "The best thing you can do for your baby is to be a happy mom — and if that means no breastfeeding, then that's the best choice for your family."

Guilt #2- Crying it Out: Owen is 7 months and still wakes up throughout the night. I will admit it; I turn the monitor off every now and then so I can have a full 6-7 hours of rest. When I wake up I think, “How long did he cry last night?” “Have I damaged his trust because I didn’t come running as I normally do?”  I have to remind myself, he is safe, warm, fed, and changed. He is ok and we will live through this, tears or no tears.

Guilt #3- Daycare: I love daycare, I really do. I love Owen’s teachers and the environment he is in. I have nothing but positive things to say. However, I feel so guilty that someone besides his mommy is watching him for 8-9 hours out of the day.  Also, Owen can’t seem to catch a break on the health-side of things. It seems that every time I send him to school he comes home with a new illness. I know this is par for the course but it is frustrating nonetheless. We are blessed that he only goes to school 2 days a week, but as I leave him (whether it is at home or at daycare) I feel as if I am leaving a piece of myself behind. It is hard to be a mommy to 23 third graders when my own baby is without me for the day.

Guilt #4- Comparisons: I am not going to lie. I compare Owen to other babies his age all of the time. I become apprehensive when I see babies that are younger than him doing things he has yet to master. Then I have the overwhelming guilt. “How dare you compare your child to others!” Every baby is different and develops at his or her own rate, but I still do it. And I have a feeling I am not the only mom that does.

Guilt #5- Needing a Break: I try to remember who I was before Owen. Sometimes it is hard. I need a break every now and then, but 9 times out of 10 I will not allow myself to do it.  When I do leave and give myself a breather, I feel guilty the entire time! Therefore, my “physical” breaks from Owen are not “mental” breaks. Brandon and I are going to Opryland Hotel for our anniversary in a couple of weeks. We will be spending 2 nights away from Owen. I am already contemplating letting Owen come with us for 1 of those nights. I am just not sure I can deal with 48 hours of guilt.

I feel better having let all of this out. I have to remind myself daily that having these guilt trips are completely normal. I'm tired of the daily fight with myself, but I won't give up. If this is the only chance I get to be a parent (or even if it's not), I want to know that I gave it my all. In fact, I love Owen enough to care about all this stuff, and in the end that's all that really matters.