NICU Day 73-This journey

Annie had a spell last night after a feeding and therefore the "5 day/ no spell" countdown starts over. I truly wish that there was no countdown. Honestly, this is the most pain I've ever felt. I never knew my heart could hurt this bad. Every morning when I walk into the hospital I get this anxious feeling..."Did she have a spell?!" I actually don't even have to ask anymore. I can see it on the nurse's face the minute she sees me. The "I'm so sorry" look. I typically hold it together until I'm alone, but oh my how the tears flow behind closed doors. The doctors can't give me an answer and there is no "cure" for her spells-just time and prayer. I do know one thing, before I was a NICU parent I never really gave much thought to the pain that they have to endure. The endless days of being a mommy but not really feeling like you are in control. Having to say goodbye to a piece of your heart over and over, day after day. Going months on end of holding your precious baby-but not in their freshly painted pink nursery surrounded by your family. Instead, in a hospital room surrounded by medical equipment and strangers. You want to get mad, you want to place blame (usually on yourself), you want to run away even- but your unconditional love for that tiny baby keeps you grounded. Sure I am fighting this fight... But I'm not the only one. Our little Annie is fighting right along with me. She is working as hard as her little body will allow. I look in her eyes and it's as if she's saying, "Please be patient Mommy. I promise I am worth it." She is. Oh how she is worth every second of this journey.